ruminating..

My life is slower than it has ever been before. I don't race from one commitment to the next.
Why? Because I decided that a calmer life would help me be a healthier person, do the few things I am doing well, spent time on what matters, and enjoy life more deeply.
So I'm reassessing: is my plan working? Well, on the surface level... yes. Many things are better.
However, I'm sad very often. I keep searching for purpose, and finding wind. When I found purpose in busyness before, I was fooling myself. But isn't it somewhere? Can't I attain it somehow?

Emily. Don't let perfection get in the way of goodness. Some things are good, and will, can never be perfect. Enjoy what is good.

But I am, by nature, conscientious. I violate my ideals constantly. Maybe this dissatisfaction with life is rooted in my trampling over my God-given idealism.

Okay ladies. Sometimes the only way I can process is by typing. Thanks for listening.